A Guide For Conquering Your Fear of Small Talk

It is dreaded by many. The daunting part of any event. It can be uncomfortable and downright distressing. Small talk. I know how we all feel about it, that little bit of conversation that is soul crushing to some and turns any party into a 'fun' little game of how many times can you cringe at the words coming out of your mouth. Don’t worry, here are some tips and tricks that I use to make slightly successful (because it will never be fully successful) small talk with my acquaintances.

A small disclaimer before we begin. Small talk is one of those things you can't follow a guide down to a 'T'. As annoying as it is, humans are unpredictable and the journey you take through small talk will lead you down many unforeseen roads. These tips will just help you be a little more prepared.

Without further ado, here's a little guide to small talk:

Step 1: Get the Latest

It's a little rudimentary and common sense, but most people forget about it. Just ask what they've been up to and get the lowdown on the current affairs in their lives. This gives you an opportunity to listen rather than struggle to come up with something to say. But, whatever you do, don’t tune out. Their answer could be anything so pay attention.

Pay close attention to things that you can ask questions about, for example, people they mention or places they've been. Inquiring about these things is an easy way to keep a conversation going.

Of course, tailor the questions you ask to things you're interested in. It is blazingly obvious when someone is not interested in what you're talking about, don’t overestimate your abilities as an actor. There's a reason that you're not receiving Oscars. As a Capricorn, I always find it really interesting to talk about where people are going, what their goals are and what they want to achieve. Whether it be career goals or personal goals like trying to learn a language, I want to know about it.

Step 2: Don’t Forget to Be a Little Self-Centred

Don’t be afraid to talk about yourself. If you start asking too many questions, people start to feel uncomfortable because it will feel like an interrogation rather than a conversation. Answer any questions they ask you in return. In the unfortunate instance where they aren't asking you any questions, remain calm. Don't assume that they don't want to talk to you. Don’t get me wrong, that could be what is going on but it could just be that the person you're talking to is just a terrible conversationalist. Read the room and go with your gut.

What you do in that situation is simply just bring up something you were reminded of from something they mentioned. If they were talking about work, talk about your job/s. If they brought up the beach, talk about the last great beach trip you had.

Optional Step: Make it Meaningful

If you find yourself really wanting to take things to the next level, ya little nasty, the way to make small talk into a full on conversation is finding connection. Find something that you both relate to, have done or want to do. Just something that you can agree on. You'll find that you could talk about that thing forever.

Now of course, there is the alternative option of having a little banter, a wee playful argument. I would only recommend this if you're feeling confident. It is a great way to then look for other people to join the conversation and make a group event out of it.

Step 3: Contingency Plan

Now it is vital to always have something up your sleeve for when the conversation dies. In the event of this terrible occurrence, you have two possible courses of action.

The first of these is simple to execute and it’s practically foolproof. Talk about your surroundings. Whether it be the weather or the event you’re at, just small talk about it for a little while. Phrases such as ‘What a turnout!’ or ‘I just love these decorations!’ are applicable in this type of situation.

The second option you have is finding an ‘out’. This could be finding someone that you ‘have to say hi to’ or needing another drink.

Step 4: Know When to Take Your Leave

It's something I see every day. People have absolutely no clue how or when to end a conversation, whether it be in person or on the phone. I find it's always a question of who has the last say, but really, it doesn’t matter. Once you've both said good bye (the order is irrelevant), the conversation has effectively ended and you are both able to leave. Don’t be afraid to walk away. Don't linger.

The other question on everybody’s mind is: ‘How on earth do you transition to terminating the conversation?’ There is no tried and true way to do this. You could use the examples from Step 3 or another option is ‘Well, it’s been great seeing you. I’ve got to do the round of hellos.’ Clean, simple and effective.

Step 5: Remember, We’re all in this together

It’s important to remember that you're not the only one who hates small talk. Don’t judge another person on something they say because they could just be trying desperately to make 'good' small talk too.

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You can go through your entire life being terrible at small talk, but it really is in your best interest to get better at it. To go far in any career, you have to be able to network, and that means making small talk with strangers. Just another little disclaimer: there is always going to be a terrible conversation, no matter how good you get at it. I speak from personal experience. I wouldn't call myself a small talk savant but I would say that, after O Week at uni and all the networking that I have done thus far, I have developed my skills quite a bit, and I still have that one conversation every month or so that makes me want to throw myself out a window. It happens and it will continue to happen. Don't worry about it and move on. Although, this is a guide to small talk, don’t treat small talk as impersonal or as a chore. Small talk is a social activity, meaning remember that you are talking to a person, be nice and respect them.