Your Guide to Comforting

There will be a time when we need to comfort someone. Don't worry, feeling stressed or anxious about this is completely normal. Comforting is confronting, but we shouldn't dread it. We talked to the author of The Art of Comforting,  Val Walker, about how to best comfort our loved ones. 

Val has worked as a rehabilitation consultant and as a grief support facilitator for support groups since 1993. Through her career, she has ventured deeply into the practical side of providing comfort to those in need. 

Here's what she had to say… 

Why is this topic important to you and why were you inspired to write about it?  

I wrote The Art of Comforting because it was a book I truly could not find. There was a tremendous lack of practical information about how to comfort people, but there were lots of clinical books for social workers, psychologists and clinicians. So, I wrote the book for everyday people in real life situations. I boiled down information from grief counsellors, comforting professionals, grief support group members I had worked with for 17 years, and other experts. It's real, actionable steps for regular people.

What are basic things we can do to comfort somebody?

Listening is number one - provide a safe space for that person. Acknowledge their loss right out loud… 'I am so sorry to hear that.' Acknowledgement, or even saying you're sorry, goes a long way.

Allow them to share when they're ready, make them feel like they're the most important thing on your mind and don't be distracted with your phone.

Invite them to connect on a regular basis – it could be a text message, an email, a phone call or in person. Although they can always refuse it, you're simply offering to be there. Keep your message simple, concrete and specific. That way they can rely on you, but don't have to remember too much about what you're offering. One of the most comforting qualities is being able to count on people, so it’s better to offer a promise that you can really deliver. Check in regularly and deliver on what you say.

The most comforting things in life are the simple pleasures – animals, taking a walk, sharing meals, watching a sunset, or even exercising. These things don't require a lot of conversation but allow you to just be there. Once you've had a comforting experience it's more natural for people to open up and share something really vulnerable. It's beautiful when that happens, but we can't always expect it to.

It's okay to say, 'I'm not sure what I should say, but I care and I'm here for you.' Don’t get too hung up on it because sometimes there aren't the right words. Just show that you care and you're listening.

Just come from your own little humble place of caring.

What should we avoid when comforting someone?

There are things that are more helpful as well as less helpful that we can say. I don't want to sound like I have the last word because, well, we're human beings, but I do have some general guidelines.

It’s wiser to avoid comparing their experience to yours or someone else’s because it might diminish their personal experience. Don’t compare their experience to yours or someone else’s - it's one of the worst things we can do. Sometimes we’re in such a hurry to make them feel better we say something like 'it could have been worse.' Let them experience their suffering singularly and special in its own right. Say something empathetic.

Avoid saying 'I understand.' It's better to be humble and say 'I get some of what you're saying, I went through something like that... but tell me more. What was it like for you?' Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to talk more. They may go to some sad, awkward, vulnerable places, and it might make you feel vulnerable too, but hang in there. Let them feel their experience is unique.

Avoid the ‘three P’s’ – watch out for being presumptuous, preachy or pushy. If you say platitudes such as 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' it sounds ingenuine. You don’t need to act like you have all the answers.

I also recommend saying 'I'll check in with you,' instead of 'call me if you need me.' It puts pressure on the person to reach out to you, but that individual may not feel up to it. What if they have a late-night crisis and don't want to call? If you offer to check in at a certain time, then they can let go and count on you.

What are some tell-tale signs that someone needs comforting?

Usually you can spot a distressed person because they’re terribly confused, undecided or not handling the uncertainty of their situation. They may show erratic behaviour because they're grasping at straws. They may be too exhausted and fatigued to have the energy to connect. They’ll withdraw. They might worry or ruminate a lot and say the same thing over and over again. Grief is exhausting - it keeps you up at night and distracts you from thinking clearly. It wipes you out physically, mentally, emotionally.

Should we comfort people who haven’t reached out for comfort?

In our society, there’s so much stigma around admitting that you’re lonely, afraid, scared or vulnerable, so people blame themselves for their predicament and feel too ashamed to reach out. If you’re truly concerned, it’s usually okay to gently offer to be there for them, just don’t push them to feel better.

Is it okay to comfort someone through technology or media?

It depends on what the person uses the most and if they're comfortable with technology - read the person and their way of communicating. If it's someone not so tech-savvy, they may be more comfortable with a phone call or something not so high tech. Try to stay away from social media. It's better to keep it private and confidential - they probably don't want their feelings publicly known. Provide a safe place and meet them where they're at.

How do we comfort someone we don't know too well… perhaps a work colleague or uni friend?

It sounds really trite, but just offer your time and give them a safe way to talk. Simply say 'I heard some news about you, and I've got time after work if you want to talk.' Ask if they would like to join you for lunch or offer a phone call. Be honest about your time and give them a private space to vent, worry or openly share their concerns. It's amazing how far they might go, even if you only have ten minutes.

How should we comfort someone who is intoxicated?

Things that come out of people under the influence can be really concerning. If they’re making life threatening remarks about harming themselves, you really need to address that with them once they’re not intoxicated, or, as soon as they can really discuss your concerns.

We don’t want to make folks in really hard life situations feel ashamed, and we don't want to judge them.

First of all, be honest and admit you’re concerned about what they said. It’s alright to confront them but do so a gentle and loving way. Although they may not absorb the information, still let them know you’re going to check in with them the following day. Secondly, always have a back-pocket contact resource - this could be a suicide or recovery hotline.

What can we do to make comforting less confronting or intimidating for the person in distress?

Tune into that person, what comforts them and how they're comforting themselves. Simply ask them what's comforting for them - if they love watching a television show, you could share that show with them. If they love hanging out with their dog, offer to walk or play with their dog with them. Sometimes people want companionship without that heart-to-heart talk; they may not be ready to talk about their pain.

In my book I emphasised not getting too hung up on trying to make that person feel better or trying to ‘fix it.’ This is because Western culture says we're only doing a good job if we do something that gets instant results. It's okay if someone is going through something so horrible that you can't help right away. People feel relieved when the person who's with them accepts the good, the bad and the ugly. At least they’ve showed up and genuinely cared. It’s our presence and empathy that matter.

What should we do if we’re comforting or supporting someone so much it begins to affect our own mental health?

Even though we mean well, we can't promise the world… we just can't.

We all have our limits, and we have to honour them and set boundaries with the person we’re comforting. This includes time constraints – sometimes you can’t be there at certain times. It’s okay to say, 'I can't be there for you all the time.' But you can be specific about what you can offer and that’s what really counts. It also includes the type of comfort that you offer them. There are certain things that will be more natural and realistic for you to carry out. Clarity is important.

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Val has been very busy recently. She just released a new book titled 400 Friends and No One To Call: Breaking through Isolation and Building Community, which delves into finding your social support network and connecting to a wider community in the age of social media.

Val also writes for Psychology Today, and has written relevant articles about the social struggles we're facing during the coronavirus pandemic. 

Be sure to check out her work and visit her website https://www.valwalkerauthor.com/